Islands. (The Experience of the Soul)

Ian Lisakov

There was no time. It has been something, rather - 4 or 5 PM, when the Sun doesn't go down yet, but not already broiling. Though, the Sun is never broiling here. It came to be that when creating this place I never cared about the weather, so it remains almost the same all the time.

The only radical shift had happened at the very beginning, when I haven't found my Guides within the familiar room with fireplace, but suddenly had seen the window and opened it. There was a night there, rather a very early morning, when the dawn is just breaking and it’s still dark out there. I remember the feeling of freshness, moisture and chillness outside and the sense of emptiness and abandonment from the empty chairs near the extinct fire.

When I've walked out to the park, there was light already and in the parkway stretching out from the house I've met myself near the bench. It was a more vivid, wise and seemingly slightly physically larger version of myself. We'd met in this place many times, for this has been the only place existing by that time in my park, but I'd not succeeded to build its exact image. These had been feelings and impressions mostly.

Later I'd started to create this place consciously or nearly consciously by adding another parkway, more places and, finally, a small bower. Place, where one day several, by that time wandering already on their own, versions of myself with different inclinations, have merged together in a rather intense vortex.

It is interesting that seemingly the things and the change have started happening according to their own laws over time and even after a while, I only have noticed and realized that every new appeared place, every addition has not simply been the extension of the already existed, but somehow really new. The old ones are left behind me and continued to exist for my disposal up to now, but I've never returned back. I'm leaving that places behind, in my memory and even though I know for sure that I always could return back and check what is going on there, in my Room, for instance, I'm moving away from that place, even physically and I don't want to go back and watch. There is nothing to do for me there.

This way I've reached the cliff. In fact, it was not quite a cliff, but just a hill with a narrow trail running down to the beach of the bay that was almost closed by a cape from its one side. It was a wonderful place. I don't think that I've created it completely by myself. Most likely I've seen something like that in a movie or a book in the past. But it didn’t matter. It was the place of my dreams - at least I perceived it as such, then. And I began to settle in it with a passion. I decided to build a house there. "And there was house. And I saw that it was good". This was the House of my dreams as well. There was even a hall with sliding glass wall (another dream) overlooking the garden. This hall has been designed so all my individual aspects could come together and discuss my own immediate problems. (It is interesting that the hall has been opened out to the garden, but not to the sea, i.e. backward).

It seems to me that we've never gathered there. But, in general, as I now understand, it is not surprising, taking into account our triumphal merging there, in the bower. There was a little boy only playing on the beach in the sand with a ship which I've given him. Moreover, it is odd, but I recalled now that there was no a personal space of mine. There wasn’t any room filled with my personal belongings. Entire house existed within me as a part of the MY OWN whole place which I gradually created and moved through, along with the First Room, left long ago, with the Park, the Parkway, the Bower and the Garden. It was expression and embodiment of the Ideal House, which, ultimately, did not become a Home at all. It may sound strange, but most of all I felt myself in my personal space in the kitchen combined with the gallery opened to the trail running down to the beach.

One moment I felt several things occurring simultaneously. First of all, I somehow stopped coming around the house, gradually shifting toward the beach. And secondly - I started to feel myself stuck like as in my outer life as well, but continued clinging to this place. After all, this was the "House of my dreams"! I built it myself and invested in this house so much! But the movement toward the sea was steady and continued relentlessly. I started to descend increasingly often by trail to the beach without entering the house until the beach began to be "my place".  But I still felt it very close behind, which gave this entire picture some kind of stability and confidence.

But, suddenly, I noticed in the sea, which had never been in the focus of my attention, the Island. It was like a blow and at the same time a hope, as a promise of breaking out of stagnation, depressed me. All of my impulse to freedom, independence and longing for new possibilities has focused on this image. Beside myself, I rushed forward, running down to the beach toward the Island, flew up to the knees in water… and stopped.

Well, I've come running… and what now? Would I jump in to the water and start swimming, leaving everything behind, without understanding where to swim exactly? And even without being sure to reach somewhere at all? I wasn’t ready for this action.

I returned sadly back to the beach to think and analyze what had happened. The Island loomed at the sea all the time. Moreover, it seemed to me that I've seen behind it something else. But it was still an unknown, indefinite goal. I could not leave everything so simply and rush into the unknown, exactly like in my outer life I could not leave my quite boring and unsatisfying job without having before me something new and more or less definite. I've still taken refuge in the family needs, in the convenience of achieved status and mere in need of simple survival. Shortly speaking, I've decided to refrain from rashly steps prepare myself carefully. I decided to build a boat, take all my accumulated baggage with me, and then sail to the new, unknown shores.

What only people wouldn’t develop in order not to do anything.

In other words, I've taken these preparations very seriously. I repaired the pier, built the boat, which has gradually evolved into a pretty yacht, equipped and loaded it and even did a sails trial -and figured out that my bay is quiet and peaceful not without reason. There was no menace of expansion to the Island or Islands from my side, because the bay was blocked by the underwater reef and there was no passage for the yacht. Therefore, I was able to spin in this pool as long as I wanted, portraying myself explorer, while remaining on the same place, albeit safely.

But that was not what I wanted. Well, I cannot say that "the storm was my very burning desire". There is nothing wrong and bad with safety and solidity. But what I wanted was a Breakthrough, an Exit, Freedom, in other words - something fresh. But it was clear to me that there was a deadlock there and I didn’t see a way out of it.

And I retreated. I abandoned it. Ceased to make futile attempts and almost stopped to visit my place. I pushed that case into the database of my experience, as a thought, forever. But I was wrong. It's become clear that it is temporary only.

Meanwhile I started to deal with my other things and problems, but the unreached Island has been stuck as a splinter in my hand, reflecting on my external deadlock situation. Until one day I got to understanding that in order to escape from this situation I had to make something unusual, something not typical for me. In my case it was – to ask for help. It might be trifle for others, but not for me. It has always been easier for me to do something by my own and not to ask for help from other people. There could be a million fair external reasons for it, but, in any case, it has always been easier for me to deal with the problems and make my decisions only on my own.

And I called Him. Both believing and not believing that HE will answer me.

When I appeared there next time, He was there already, sitting on the stone at the end of the beach and waiting for me. He was in his ancient white robe and an auburn hair and beard.

-          You look very classically – I said.

-          But what would you expect? This is because you envisioned me in such way. I could look like anything. In fact I don't even know what I look like for you now. Classically, as you wish. It' doesn't matter to me. These are your limitations and your concern.

-          You came to help me?

-          Don’t you ask?

-          Yes, of course, I just didn’t believe…

-          Come on. You are not a child. Don't try to be more naïve than already you are. Especially with yourself. You are evolved enough in order to receive answers for your questions even before you'll express these question in words. And you know exactly that if we haven’t met up to now, it means you didn’t want this meeting.

-          Yes. You are right. I know, sorry…

-          There you start again! Don't ask for forgiveness. You know that this is inappropriate.

-        Yes. I know. I hear Your answers within my head even before I formulate a question. Perhaps, in this case, there is no point in asking questions?

-          On the contrary. It is impossible to receive an answer for an unasked question. Such a question will remain in the potential state. The Truth is that by asking only the REAL questions it is possible to receive an answer. That is the point, and the task, and the work, which have to be done.

-          Okay. Let's return to my business.

-          Come on. I know you story. You don’t have to utter it again.

-          Well, how do I get to the Island?

He looked at me directly for the first time.

-          GO! GET UP AND GO!

My heart sunk. This was what I've not expected. He looked at me and understood that very moment the whole range of emotions engulfing me.

-         Well. I understand, than you think about the sea. I'll help you. Leave the sea alone and care not about it. You need not imagine the entire sea frozen or something like that. Imagine that you go from hummock to hummock and that they appear right under your foot. That is all you need to know. And now – GO!

He stood and looked straight on me.

-          LEAVE ALL THAT YOU'VE GATHERED HERE. YOU NEED NONE OF THAT. TAKE ONLY YOURSELF AND GO! KNOW THAT NOT A SINGLE ISLAND IS WAITING FOR YOU, BUT A LOT OF THEM. BUT DO NOT WAIT AND DO NOT HOPE FOR SOMETHING MAGICAL! NONE OF THEM SHALL BECOME A PROMISED LAND, ALTHOUGH EACH OF THEM WILL BRING YOU SOMETHING, SOME EXPERIENCE AND ONLY YOU WILL CHOOSE TO TAKE IT OR NOT.

-          AND NOW – GO!

And I took the hand of a little boy, who has been there all the time playing with the ship in the sand AND WE WENT. It was like a fresh ploughed field or very soft sand. It was not difficult. And the Island was not far from my shore. And on the Island we went to sleep directly on the sand. Apparently, a night had happened.

In the morning it became clear that on the Island there was nothing but sand and palm trees. Our beach was not far away, slightly hazy, but He was still there. On the other side we could see numerous different-sized islands, but we did not hurry anywhere. We still need to explore this one and see what it could bring us. We'd look around and then would move on. We passed through it once and we’ll do it again.

Ian Lisakov

May, 2011.

JoyOfCoCreating.ucoz.com

© 2011 Ian Lisakov. All rights reserved.

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