Islands. (The Experience of the Soul)
There was no time. It has been something, rather - 4 or 5 PM, when the
Sun doesn't go down yet, but not already broiling. Though, the Sun is never
broiling here. It came to be that when creating this place I never cared about the
weather, so it remains almost the same all the time.
The only radical shift had happened at the very beginning, when I
haven't found my Guides within the familiar room with fireplace, but suddenly
had seen the window and opened it. There was a night there, rather a very early
morning, when the dawn is just breaking and it’s still dark out there. I
remember the feeling of freshness, moisture and chillness outside and the sense
of emptiness and abandonment from the empty chairs near the extinct fire.
When I've walked out to the park, there was light already and in the
parkway stretching out from the house I've met myself near the bench. It was a more
vivid, wise and seemingly slightly physically larger version of myself. We'd
met in this place many times, for this has been the only place existing by that
time in my park, but I'd not succeeded to build its exact image. These had been
feelings and impressions mostly.
Later I'd started to create this place consciously or nearly consciously
by adding another parkway, more places and, finally, a small bower. Place, where
one day several, by that time wandering already on their own, versions of myself
with different inclinations, have merged together in a rather intense vortex.
It is interesting that seemingly the things and the change have started happening
according to their own laws over time and even after a while, I only have
noticed and realized that every new appeared place, every addition has not
simply been the extension of the already existed, but somehow really new. The
old ones are left behind me and continued to exist for my disposal up to now,
but I've never returned back. I'm leaving that places behind, in my memory and even
though I know for sure that I always could return back and check what is going
on there, in my Room, for instance, I'm moving away from that place, even
physically and I don't want to go back and watch. There is nothing to do for me
This way I've reached the cliff. In fact, it was not quite a cliff, but just
a hill with a narrow trail running down to the beach of the bay that was almost
closed by a cape from its one side. It was a wonderful place. I don't think
that I've created it completely by myself. Most likely I've seen something like
that in a movie or a book in the past. But it didn’t matter. It was the place
of my dreams - at least I perceived it as such, then. And I began to settle in it
with a passion. I decided to build a house there. "And there was house.
And I saw that it was good". This was the House of my dreams as well.
There was even a hall with sliding glass wall (another dream) overlooking the
garden. This hall has been designed so all my individual aspects could come
together and discuss my own immediate problems. (It is interesting that the
hall has been opened out to the garden, but not to the sea, i.e. backward).
It seems to me that we've never gathered there. But, in general, as I
now understand, it is not surprising, taking into account our triumphal merging
there, in the bower. There was a little boy only playing on the beach in the
sand with a ship which I've given him. Moreover, it is odd, but I recalled now
that there was no a personal space of mine. There wasn’t any room filled with
my personal belongings. Entire house existed within me as a part of the MY OWN whole
place which I gradually created and moved through, along with the First Room,
left long ago, with the Park, the Parkway, the Bower and the Garden. It was
expression and embodiment of the Ideal House, which, ultimately, did not become
a Home at all. It may sound strange, but most of all I felt myself in my
personal space in the kitchen combined with the gallery opened to the trail
running down to the beach.
One moment I felt several things occurring simultaneously. First of all,
I somehow stopped coming around the house, gradually shifting toward the beach.
And secondly - I started to feel myself stuck like as in my outer life as well,
but continued clinging to this place. After all, this was the "House of my
dreams"! I built it myself and invested in this house so much! But the
movement toward the sea was steady and continued relentlessly. I started to
descend increasingly often by trail to the beach without entering the house
until the beach began to be "my place". But I still felt it very close behind, which
gave this entire picture some kind of stability and confidence.
But, suddenly, I noticed in the sea, which had never been in the focus
of my attention, the Island. It was like a blow and at the same time a hope, as
a promise of breaking out of stagnation, depressed me. All of my impulse to
freedom, independence and longing for new possibilities has focused on this
image. Beside myself, I rushed forward, running down to the beach toward the
Island, flew up to the knees in water… and stopped.
Well, I've come running… and what now? Would I jump in to the water and
start swimming, leaving everything behind, without understanding where to swim exactly?
And even without being sure to reach somewhere at all? I wasn’t ready for this
I returned sadly back to the beach to think and analyze what had
happened. The Island loomed at the sea all the time. Moreover, it seemed to me
that I've seen behind it something else. But it was still an unknown,
indefinite goal. I could not leave everything so simply and rush into the unknown,
exactly like in my outer life I could not leave my quite boring and unsatisfying
job without having before me something new and more or less definite. I've
still taken refuge in the family needs, in the convenience of achieved status
and mere in need of simple survival. Shortly speaking, I've decided to refrain
from rashly steps prepare myself carefully. I decided to build a boat, take all
my accumulated baggage with me, and then sail to the new, unknown shores.
What only people wouldn’t develop in order not to do anything.
In other words, I've taken these preparations very seriously. I repaired
the pier, built the boat, which has gradually evolved into a pretty yacht,
equipped and loaded it and even did a sails trial -and figured out that my bay
is quiet and peaceful not without reason. There was no menace of expansion to
the Island or Islands from my side, because the bay was blocked by the
underwater reef and there was no passage for the yacht. Therefore, I was able
to spin in this pool as long as I wanted, portraying myself explorer, while
remaining on the same place, albeit safely.
But that was not what I wanted. Well, I cannot say that "the storm
was my very burning desire". There is nothing wrong and bad with safety
and solidity. But what I wanted was a Breakthrough, an Exit, Freedom, in other
words - something fresh. But it was clear to me that there was a deadlock there
and I didn’t see a way out of it.
And I retreated. I abandoned it. Ceased to make futile attempts and almost
stopped to visit my place. I pushed that case into the database of my
experience, as a thought, forever. But I was wrong. It's become clear that it
is temporary only.
Meanwhile I started to deal with my other things and problems, but the
unreached Island has been stuck as a splinter in my hand, reflecting on my external
deadlock situation. Until one day I got to understanding that in order to
escape from this situation I had to make something unusual, something not
typical for me. In my case it was – to ask for help. It might be trifle for
others, but not for me. It has always been easier for me to do something by my
own and not to ask for help from other people. There could be a million fair
external reasons for it, but, in any case, it has always been easier for me to
deal with the problems and make my decisions only on my own.
And I called Him. Both believing and not believing that HE will answer
When I appeared there next time, He was there already, sitting on the
stone at the end of the beach and waiting for me. He was in his ancient white
robe and an auburn hair and beard.
You look very classically –
But what would you expect?
This is because you envisioned me in such way. I could look like anything. In
fact I don't even know what I look like for you now. Classically, as you wish.
It' doesn't matter to me. These are your limitations and your concern.
You came to help me?
Don’t you ask?
Yes, of course, I just didn’t
Come on. You are not a
child. Don't try to be more naïve than already you are. Especially with
yourself. You are evolved enough in order to receive answers for your questions
even before you'll express these question in words. And you know exactly that
if we haven’t met up to now, it means you didn’t want this meeting.
Yes. You are right. I know,
There you start again!
Don't ask for forgiveness. You know that this is inappropriate.
- Yes. I know. I hear Your
answers within my head even before I formulate a question. Perhaps, in this
case, there is no point in asking questions?
On the contrary. It is
impossible to receive an answer for an unasked question. Such a question will
remain in the potential state. The Truth is that by asking only the REAL
questions it is possible to receive an answer. That is the point, and the task,
and the work, which have to be done.
Okay. Let's return to my
Come on. I know you story.
You don’t have to utter it again.
Well, how do I get to the
He looked at me directly for the first time.
GO! GET UP AND GO!
My heart sunk. This was what I've not expected. He looked at me and
understood that very moment the whole range of emotions engulfing me.
- Well. I understand, than you
think about the sea. I'll help you. Leave the sea alone and care not about it.
You need not imagine the entire sea frozen or something like that. Imagine that
you go from hummock to hummock and that they appear right under your foot. That
is all you need to know. And now – GO!
He stood and looked straight on me.
LEAVE ALL THAT YOU'VE
GATHERED HERE. YOU NEED NONE OF THAT. TAKE ONLY YOURSELF AND GO! KNOW THAT NOT
A SINGLE ISLAND IS WAITING FOR YOU, BUT A LOT OF THEM. BUT DO NOT WAIT AND DO NOT
HOPE FOR SOMETHING MAGICAL! NONE OF THEM SHALL BECOME A PROMISED LAND, ALTHOUGH EACH OF THEM WILL
BRING YOU SOMETHING, SOME EXPERIENCE AND ONLY YOU WILL CHOOSE TO TAKE IT OR
AND NOW – GO!
And I took the hand of a little boy, who has been there all the time
playing with the ship in the sand AND WE WENT. It was like a fresh ploughed
field or very soft sand. It was not difficult. And the Island was not far from
my shore. And on the Island we went to sleep directly on the sand. Apparently,
a night had happened.
In the morning it became clear that on the Island there was nothing but
sand and palm trees. Our beach was not far away, slightly hazy, but He was still
there. On the other side we could see numerous different-sized islands, but we did
not hurry anywhere. We still need to explore this one and see what it could
bring us. We'd look around and then would move on. We passed through it once and
we’ll do it again.
© 2011 Ian Lisakov. All rights reserved.
You may make copies of this message and distribute in any media as long as you change nothing, credit the author, and include this copyright notice and web address.